Things I Am Worried About Today, In No Particular Order

[gwenzilla]

• That strange noise from the bathroom was more than just the drying rack I tripped over falling forward.
  
• My cat hates me.
  
• People I like hate me.
  
• People I don't care for all that much hate me.
  
• Strangers take one look at me and hate me.
  
• By having all the colour cut out of my hair, I will get to experience the joys of being discriminated against both because I'm fat and because of my age, not just the first one.
  
• The grocery order won't arrive before I have to leave, and nobody will open the door, and there won't be any groceries.
  
• I might fall and hurt myself if I take a shower, but I have to take one before I go out. Maybe I will succumb and just not go out rather than risking it.
  
• There is a lot I have to do that I have not done. I don't know why I cannot make myself get to these things.
  
• There are people I need to have important conversations with. I don't know why I cannot make myself contact those people.
  
• I might be a bad sister because I haven't gotten in touch with my sister recently.
  
• I might be a bad Sister because I haven't gotten in touch with my Sisters recently.
  
• There won't be enough money for anything.
  
• I should change this user pic because I don't look like that any more.
  
• My pretty green shawl needs a mend, a wash, and a block, but I can't be bothered to do it.
  
• I actually don't even know where my blocking kit is. Maybe I will just get a new one.
  
• Can you really have enough knitting needles? Am I approaching that point?
  
• I'd really like a new 3mm needle for 2-at-a-time socks.
  
• And some new sock yarn too.
  
• I should bring That Project along to knitting today to see if BFF thinks I'll have enough to finish.
  
• Blech; I have to go to knitting and be graceful.
  
• I am not very graceful.
  
• Can't go if I don't at least wash my hair!
  
• Why not just skip it?
  
• I handle everything by skipping it.
  

(This has been a brief glimpse into how I think about everything.)

Comments

[eintx.livejournal.com]

Hm, I'm probably in the category (you didn't even mention) of people you don't care about at all, but this seems like a good moment to say I don't hate you. In fact, I find you quite impressive, and though of course I don't know how much you've changed since February, at least the photos you twittered some days ago looked very good. (You on the photos, I mean. :) )

[the-gwenzilliad.livejournal.com]

You are in the 'people I like' category.

[the-gwenzilliad.livejournal.com]

OK, fixed userpic.

[donnacat60.livejournal.com]

Hugs. Been there, done that, can get past it eventually. Well, not the grey hair. But the rest.

[(Anonymous)]

DON'T CALL ME V!!!!!!

Love you tons. No one I know hates you. I can name two people who hate me!

[the-gwenzilliad.livejournal.com]

Will edit post so you're no longer referred to as V.

[the-gwenzilliad.livejournal.com]

Also, people who hate you are just st00pid.

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

I'm positive I don't hate you.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

Me too.

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure which category I come into, but I don't hate you.

There are washing options that involve less risk of falling over than a shower and might do as compromise solutions. Wash basin, shower-head with your head over the bath for the hair, and so on.

Why not go to Nest and be cuddly rather than graceful? You're better at it, and other people probably prefer it - I know I do. Graceful people worry me and make me feel inadequate.

[the-gwenzilliad.livejournal.com]

You are in the 'people I like' category, just for the sake of completeness.

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

Yay, happy dance! Someone I like and admire likes me!
Also, virtual hugs.

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

Look at the userpics of the people who have commented so far. How many of us look like those pics? (I'll change to another one for this comment, because it's got a happy smile).

[the-gwenzilliad.livejournal.com]

Userpic fixed.

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

You did an item off the to-do-and-can't-get-round-to-it list! Congrats! Yes, I know, in and of itself, it's tiny and trivial, but breaking that inertia block isn't trivial at all, and you did it!!!

Some responses, in random order

[aunty_marion]

Come to Nest anyway!

I don't have a blocking kit myself, just the boards. I'm wondering about spending my IKnit vouchers on a set of wires.

I don't look like any of my userpics (this is possibly the closest one...) so who cares? Yours is nice, though.

I haven't washed my hair since last week. I did manage a bath this morning, though.

I hope your groceries arrive!

I need a decent 3.5mm crochet hook; thought I had one but can't find it.

[starmalachite.livejournal.com]

I don't know you as well as the others responding here, but I still know that list doesn't describe you at all. Sounds like depression talking.

It lies, you know. A whole lot.

You are wise, funny and massively talented, and I miss on at least the same continent with you.

[sibylle]

I don't hate you, and I totally think you should go out! Going out is good for the soul. Or something. I totally have a tendency to handle things by not handling them too, and then it's all rush-rush to catch up, and I am not naturally a go-outer, so, you know, convincing you is convincing myself, or something. (Though today does not count, as I have to go to work in a tad, so staying home is not even an option today.).

And, ha, I don't look like *any* of my userpics. Quite consciously, at that. (I mean I changed them so they don't have my pic on them anymore, not that I changed my hairstyle to no longer look like my pic ... ).

older than you

[domiobrien.livejournal.com]

tired, and not giving up. You can get out of this funk, Gwen. Ground and center and pull the energy up and in from all around you!

Unmotivated

[(Anonymous)]

I think it's a phase of the moon. I too have lots of stuff I *should* get done and no motivation at all to actually do any of it. I think in my case it's at least in part because no one else seems to care about it, at least not enough to participate, or even just not be snarky when I do get something done. What you are describing sounds like clinical depression. Make yourself get out some and if you still don't feel better contact your doctor or therapist. BTY I love you always, even when you don't feel loveable. And I have always thought you were beautiful, even when you couldn't see it. Ping me when you can talk. I miss you.

Re: Unmotivated

[the-gwenzilliad.livejournal.com]

Not sure who you are, but thanks. :-)

Don't worry you're not alone!

[yvonne davies (from livejournal.com)]

I've just heard a loud crash from the kitchen, I'm home alone so am taking the view that there will be less washing up to do if the plates have fallen over!

Cats are known for trying to perfect their aloofness - it comes of having to depend on a human to feed and pet them - they don't want to let on that they need you.

Strangers are potentially friends you just haven't met yet and they have all their own insecurities.

You may be fat and grey haired - so am I - we are both "interesting women who have lived interesting lives" and who cares about people who only relate to superficial looks.

Getting things done can create even more problems - you need to reflect if these changes are for YOU or for the benefit of others - if others want things changed to suit them then let them be the one to do it!

Important conversations can sometimes be dealt with by way of other means of communication - sometimes all it takes is a quick email, hug, flowers or whatever. You don't need to be graceful, you need to be YOU, that's who we enjoy seeing not a cypher.

Yes you can have too many knitting needles and still not have the right size - it's what friends are for - ask if they have any you can borrow! The same applies to blocking wires and possibly sock yarn!

Now, go and wash the bits you have to, wrap your head in a scarf or wear a hat & go out and socialise!! The rest will wait until later!

[gingicat]

I'm sorry I haven't been better about staying in touch. It might be that I have days like that a lot.

*hugs*

[natf.livejournal.com]

You and I seem to have very similar thought patterns. This is definitely one of mine:
I might fall and hurt myself if I take a shower, but I have to take one before I go out. Maybe I will succumb and just not go out rather than risking it.

*hugs*

Also, there is no way that I hate you!

[pickledginger.livejournal.com]

Y'know, I consider grab bars and shower chairs to be truly great inventions. I don't know why we build bathrooms without the former. I really do not understand why we put in towel rails and other grab-me items that will not support the weight of falling people. It's not good for the people or the decor. Luckily, there are many attractive grab bars these days that can do both jobs. Just sayin'.

Now, my duty to geek answer syndrome discharged (hey, just because you're anxious doesn't mean the shower isn't out to get you; oops, that may not have been helpful :/ ) ...

Your old icon was lovely, your new icon was lovely, if you post a little-girl icon, I'm sure it will be lovely, too.

My icon does not look like me, nor I like it. Wish I did! (Apart from the fins.) This is by no means uncommon on LJ. It's okay, honest.

You are not ugly. I do not hate you. Hair gets gray. Yours is doing so more attractively than.mine. I still do not hate you.

Your cat does not hate you.

You are lovely, and clever, and considerate, and very talented.

Procrastination happens. So do cats.

I am not sure that one can have too many knitting needles, but one certainly can have insufficient space to store and organize them. ;-) I'm not a knitter, but I know that much!

[natf.livejournal.com]

*confused* I came here to ask if the reply to my comment from pickledginger was aimed at me or at the_gwenzilliad and there seems to be no such comment now. Huh.

[sarahdotcom.livejournal.com]

I work on the assumption that if they don't say it to my face, they don't hate me. Which means one person hates me. But cheer up - at least point 6 means he doesn't hate you too!

.

[maverick-weirdo.livejournal.com]

I hope writing those things down helps you beat them

and for the record, I don't hate you

For the record...

[weirdsister.livejournal.com]

As someone in one of those social categories, I:

- give a huge, ENORMOUS flying fuck about you (hope that made you smile);
- love you at all sizes;
- love you at any age;
- would gladly help you chip away at unfinished projects if I could manage teleportation (working on that one);
- thought you knew that cats indiscriminately hate everybody...unless they're hungry;
- know from personal experience now, that money does NOT buy the most important stuff;
- am convinced that you have the important stuff;
- believe that there is no such thing as too many knitting needles;
- love you to pieces and then some;
- will soon have Skype on my iPhone (yeah, I finally upgraded after 5 years), as soon as I can remember my password.

*HUGS*

We might be the same person

[(Anonymous)]

Except for the knitting. You and I are more connected through our kids and by our Bay Area friends than by our brief personal meetings, but I am quite fond of you, just not always saying that to people I care about. Possibly because I fear a lack of reciprocity. Yes, you and I are a lot alike in terms of our basket of fears. It may be that we both should be talking to professionals. But know that you are not alone in the grey, whether it be the hair or the mood.

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

I love you and am thinking of you.

It sounds like you have low-level burnout, and with the level of things you've been doing and experiencing lately, that's not a huge surprise. I hope your energy comes back soon, but be kind to yourself and try not to rush it.

[grey-lady.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you're doing battle with some personal demons right now, and I hope it improves quickly. I don't have any userpic that looks like me (since I avoid cameras rigorously).

I hope you get out - it sounds like the change of scenery might help.

[autographedcat.livejournal.com]

I don't hate you. I the-opposite-of-hate you. For, as it were, the record and stuff.

[delennara.livejournal.com]

Someone once told me, that hate were very close to love. It certainly means caring a lot.
It involves strong emotions....
I certainly don't hate you, I don't even dislike you...actually do like you...and yay for grey!
And if your cat really hates you, you probably just brushed her? My arms are covered with scratches, see how my almost Rasta-Cat loves me...

[nelladarren.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this.

I live there, too.

I'm not going to write "but I like you!!!" because on the intellectual level which does reading comprehension you know that lots of people like you. And the part of you who thinks that those people only *think* they like you because they don't know you or just *say* they like you because they are polite - that part doesn't believe it anyway.

Also my body sabotages my efforts. But my mental state also sabotages my body. Fucking showers.

But our cats really do love us. I know this for sure. They've told me.

[khall.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* Love you.

K.

[marriedtess.livejournal.com]

by now i'm sure you checked the noise in the bathroom,what was it?

if you think your cat hates you, then you have (from most cats’ point of view) a great relationship with your cat.

it’s not what others think of you it’s what you think of you and your awesome!

if you don’t like someone, why care if they like you?

strangers’ views are important to you why?

hair color, weight, see above

with grocery order not sure bout that one, hope you were there

there is a cool chair you can get for shower, got mom one while she was fighting cancer she still uses it

as for things not yet done, redo list remove what you can then pick three things from new list do two of those, repeat each day

important conversations? you’re a writer, hello?? remember snail mail?

sister/sisters email, video chat, snail mail?

money money money sorry no help there

you changed pic yay you

shawl cleaning fixing decide which to do first then sleep on it ok really don't know about cleaning or fixing yarn made things

don’t know what a blocking kit is hope there not expensive

don’t think you can have too many knitting needles

get 3mm needle

buying yarn will get you out of house and make you feel better

bff will always love helping you

whats graceful got to do with anything? I’ve seen you play the piano when graceful is important damn you’re graceful

not graceful? see above

dirty hair? you make awesome hats

sometimes skipping something stressful is a good idea

skipping everything? see above

Things I wish....

[chrisrw109.livejournal.com]

That I wasn't so aggressively anti-my own happiness that I wasn't almost certifiably incapable of staying close to the amazing people I've touched in the world.

Still love ya Harper, go forth and kick the crap out of every day, k?

Re: Things I wish....

[pbristow.livejournal.com]

"go forth and kick the crap out of every day, k?"

That sounds like sound advice to me. =:o}

Re: Things I wish....

[the-gwenzilliad.livejournal.com]

I missed this until Paul replied to it today.

I really thought you'd forgotten about me years ago. It's nice to hear from you.